Overwhelmed

The ability to feel things strongly and deeply, feeling something at such a depth that your chest aches, but rather than words coming out, tears roll down your cheek. Dictionary simply states this as a single word "overwhelm", but when the feeling is so intense that even you cannot understand, how could one word explain that? Remembering past moments, trying to relive them, or being scared of the future, sometimes language is not enough. It's moments like these that we feel trapped and helpless, with so much inside, but what to do with those emotions? If these emotions are unsettling, our heart rate increases, we tremble, start rubbing our nails, and clench our lips, it's the body's response to what we cannot understand. It makes me think that emotions and feelings go beyond our consciousness. We like to believe we are in control of our inner world, that thoughts lead emotions, and not the other way around. But moments like these strip that illusion. The body reacts before the mind can catch up, reminding us that much of what we feel lies beyond logic and explanation.

We plan our entire lives, laying out a year by year checklist: graduation, first job, promotions, wedding. This endless list will be incomplete till the day we die, but we fail to realize that life is fragile and not everything is under our control. Leave the bigger objectives, we don't even have a hold on things that we corner the most, like our feelings. We put up a face and pretend that everything is okay by suppressing our desires, but god didn't give us that much storage. For how long can we store emotions as strong as a volcano ready to erupt in this 5-foot something body? We think emotions make us weak and vulnerable, and to move ahead, we keep them bottled up until the volcano finally erupts and crashes this perfect, well-maintained image, leaving us truly exposed. 

"Big girls don't cry", "Man up", "Stop being so emotional" these phrases have shaped us, but maybe the problem is not that we feel too much, but that we were never taught what to do with these feelings. We were taught to be vigorous, productive, and composed, but not how to sit with longing, sadness, or uncertainty without ignoring them. These emotions are the colors of life, from black and grey to red and pink, they make us. If we celebrate vibrancy together, then why not accept the sorrow and deal with it rather than hiding it? Being there for someone on their difficult day, keeping up with people we love, or just sharing a good laugh with them might not seem like much effort, but it holds the power to elevate them and make their day a little brighter.

Observing and feeling everything in great detail can feel like a bane at times, as if you are clinging to things when the train has already left the station. You replay moments long after they are over, feel the weight of words that were never meant to stay, and carry emotions longer than others seem to. It can make you feel slow, out of sync, as if the world moves ahead while you are still standing on the platform, with your thoughts. There is something gentle and soft in that, even if it appears cold and daunting. Feeling deeply means caring deeply, it means you are capable of connection, of empathy, of love that leaves marks. And while it may feel like a burden on hard days, it is also what gives meaning to the cheery ones. You are not broken for feeling this much, rather you are connected with your surroundings, where everything matters to you.

Music, poetry, art, and theatre exist because we feel things, and let emotions overflow. If you take emotions away from an artist, you are ripping them of their art. If we didn't feel things, the world would be 0s and 1s, and that's what separates us from machines. I want to feel as deep as the Pacific Ocean and as high as the mountains; I want to feel at a level that it hurts, and I want to be in touch with all my surroundings and my inner self. Maybe real happiness is feeling deeply and processing it healthily, such that it pushes you forward and motivates you to thrive. Life is too short to be nonchalant. I would like to believe that even if a train leaves, another will come, and when it does, I will feel that journey too, fully and wholeheartedly. And that journey is going to be beautiful and one of a kind.